Was talking with the Weight Shrink (lamenting, really) this week about how few calories I have to eat to get the scale to move. I’ve been basically maintaining the past couple weeks with perhaps a tiny loss. I went back over the pages of my Fitbook and saw that the calorie totals have averaged around 1,600.

The Weight Shrink herself has lost over 100 pounds, so I asked her: “How many calories do you eat to maintain your weight loss?”

“1,200 calories, and it sucks!”

Something to look forward to.

Now a 1,600-calorie eating plan is a weight loss plan for most people, but not me, for I am SUPERHUMAN!

I AM A VISION OF CALORIC EFFICIENCY!

I CAN GET BY ON FAR FEWER CALORIES THAN MERE MORTALS!

WHY, JUST LOOKING AT A BROWNIE CAN MAKE MY BUTT WIDEN!

I dug up a graph that I printed out a few months ago where I figured out how many calories I needed to eat to get to a certain weight in a certain amount of time – it’s the NIH Human Weight Simulator (you can check it out HERE). Upshot – 1,300 calories.

And you can’t argue with science – sure you can bitch about it but facts is facts, and this fact makes my stomach GROWL.

So, as a Superhuman Calorie Superhero, I need to figure out how to make those 1,300 calories as awesome as possible. In breaking up the calories over the course of a day, I came up with:

• Breakfast: 300
• Lunch: 300
• Snack: 150
• Dinner: 400
• Snack: 150

Yes, I’ve known about this 1,300 calorie thing since February but it’s freaking hard to wrap my head around that puny little fingernail-chewing number.

So all I’ve gotta do is laugh. Laugh a hungry, hungry laugh, and suck it up.