In the words of Justin Timberlake dressed as a block of tofu:
Fiber – it’s a dope ingredient
The things you want to make your bowels expedient.
Great timing on that Saturday Night Live sketch, since yesterday, in preparation for Tuesday's colonoscopy, I was to eat a low-fiber diet. The sheet said:
Try to eat a low-residue diet (avoid seeds, popcorn, corn, fibrous vegetables). Discontinue fiber supplements.
I'm the kind of person who drinks Metamucil for kicks. Our produce bin is stuffed to the top with leafy, green things. I have containers of chia, hemp and flax seeds in the top shelf of the fridge ready to be ground and sprinkled into smoothies, oatmeal and anything else I can think of. I put oats and shredded carrots in turkey burgers.
My birthday was Friday, and we celebrated at my favorite restaurant, Sublime in Fort Lauderdale, which just happens to be vegan. Lots of fiber in that place (and the best cauliflower on the planet).
So when you tell me to eat a low "residue" diet ...
I DON'T KNOW HOW!
Believe me, I'm ready for today. I have the green and the yellow Jell-o ready to go, a freezer full of lemon Italian ice, chicken broth and a half-gallon of blue Gatorade, which will be chugged down this afternoon with an entire bottle of Miralax in it (yikes!).
But Sunday was tough. What do you eat when you want to avoid fiber? I've been eating a high-fiber diet for so long that the thought of not eating that way is alien.
I figured a Power Crunch bar and coffee for breakfast would be good. Later I had a chicken and avocado sandwich on gluten-free bread because, face it, gluten-free bread isn't usually a fiber-packed powerhouse. But Canyon Bakehouse breads do have 2 grams of fiber per slice, which is pretty decent for GF bread.
Did you know that avocados are loaded with fiber? There are 10 grams of fiber in an entire avocado. I had a half at lunch, but it turns out that while it's high in fiber, it's low in residue. (I found THIS article at WebMD, which explained the difference between fiber and residue.)
Had another Power Crunch bar in the afternoon and a chocolate-banana smoothie for dinner.
And yet, I still wound up with 25 grams of fiber.
I'm calling today Jello Shot Monday in preparation for tomorrow. And I'm writing this before this afternoon's laxative festivities begin, so I have no idea what kind of fun I'm in for. (Well, I have some idea ... !)
All I know is I can't wait until this whole process is done on Tuesday.
And for all y'all 50-and-over types who haven't scheduled your colonoscopy, what are you waiting for? Think of the benefits! Weight loss, a heavy-duty nap, a sparkling clean colon and the peace of mind that comes from turning your colon into reality TV.
I'll let you know how it all came out (LOLZ!) tomorrow.And now, for more Saturday Night Live fun with fiber: